The Spell of Lookism Changed Me into…

It was when I was primary school student. 

My parents had a long quarrel and I really wanted to stop it. So, I shouted:

My parents shut up. I was happy that my weird remark caught their attention and continued: 

It was really childish, biased, rubbish remarks, but I just went on, hoping I can stop the quarrel. 

Then- my father, interrupting my speaking, said:

 I don’t remember what happened after his remark. I was just… shocked. 

From then, his remark has taken root in my heart. 

Got many zits on my face during junior high school days.

My high school friend said I look like a giant jelly.

My mother repeatedly said that I was too fat to wear ‘ordinary’ clothes.

My colleague said that I should wear make up so that he can see my face without laughing.

My boss said I was too fat to have sex.

There were plenty nutrients for the root to grow。 

I started to think that I am not human but some kind of weird-looking slimy thing. 

 So, when Candice, after we met Twitter and fell in love with each other, said she wants to see my picture, I denied:

So, I sent my picture, thinking that she would feel really disappointed.

She responded with the emoji of surprised face, and continued: 

What? She said… I’m cute?… No. That is not true. I am just… ugly slime.

 But, Candice never gave up. She continuously has told me I am cute, repeatedly, everyday and everyday (till now!!). Then,

I gradually become able to look at mirror straightly.

I gradually become able to smile when someone takes photo of me.

I gradually become able to send my picture to Candice without hesitation.

 And I gradually become able to regard me as a human being. 

…but, still… sometimes I find myself going back to slime. When I feel like so,

I feel scared about eating something.

I feel scared about looking at people’s eyes.

I feel scared about walking outside.

I think the remarks of my family, my friends, my colleagues, and so on, still accumulate in deep part of my mind and don’t allow me to escape.

So- every day I ask the mirror in my room:

 「Mirror mirror on the wall, Am I human? 

　･･･Or slime？」